Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Is it penis luge time yet?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
