I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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