guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
