It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
