I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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