Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
