dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
