the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
