are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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