I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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