I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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