She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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