i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
