I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
