After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
