my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
