At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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