Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
