So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
