I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
