So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
