Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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