does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
