i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
