tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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