hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
