Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
