my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
