shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
