When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
