now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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