the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
