That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
