I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i out mim tonsoeep
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