he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
