Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
babies were throwing up all over the place
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
