Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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