PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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