Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
