I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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