I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
