Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"