I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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