you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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