i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
