i already hear my dad disowning me
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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