so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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