I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
