his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
