Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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