Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
