There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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