is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
