Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we're making bets on your personal life
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
