Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
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Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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