I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
