I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
