I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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