and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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