Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
