Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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