this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
